Finally, after the last few weeks of shameless, emotional manipulation via convoluted sob stories and insulting attempts at humor on behalf of the mind-numbingly delusional and untalented hopeful contestants, the brains behind American Idol showed some overdue mercy and unveiled the start of the real competition on Thursday night: Hollywood Week. Up to this point, the new judging panel has seemed to hand out Golden Tickets to anyone able to string together a measure’s worth of marginally on-key notes, and their leniency subsequently unleashed havoc at the start of “Hell Week.” More than 300 pop-sensation wannabes stampeded the halls of the Pasadena Civic Auditorium, some with more justifiable stars in their eyes than others. Before we can discuss the brutal dream-crushing that took place in Tinseltown, however, Wednesday’s final round of preliminary tryouts in San Francisco must at least be acknowledged.
Speaking of insulting attempts at humor, Wednesday’s cold open featured a tearfully despondent reject bemoaning her failed audition. “I really thought I had it,” she wails. The camera operator innocently asks, “Is there anything you’d like to say to the judges?” Her head snaps toward the lens as she makes direct eye contact with us viewers. “Yeah!” she exclaims. “Just because somebody farts, let ‘em keep singing, okay?!” Alrighty. First of all, this entire scene is so pathetically staged I can’t believe it made it to air; second of all, how much did this girl get paid to PRETEND to have gone through such a humiliating ordeal? Please tell me she got paid. “How am I going to go home and tell my mom I didn’t make it?” the gaseous fame-seeker moaned before her big reveal. What I want to know is, how is she going to go home and look anyone in the face, much less her mother, after agreeing to participate in such an appalling farce? The gag hit the floor with such a deafening thud, I have a feeling this girl still hasn’t left her house since Wednesday night. I wonder if lying about farting on national television is even more embarrassing than actually doing it.
After the disastrous auditions in Los Angeles last week, I’d assumed the talent would be taken up a notch in San Francisco, but so far we’re off to a pretty dreadful start. The first featured contestant, a Ukrainian mail-order bride named Inessa Lee, doesn’t help matters. Inessa is 22 and married, but peculiarly dresses like a Bratz doll and is bizarrely boastful of her “music videos” on You Tube that feature her come-hither gaze in the shower, of all places. After describing herself as a “blend of Shakira and early Madonna,” with the dance moves of Kylie Minogue and the physical persona of Katy Perry, Inessa then doesn’t pick up on the hilarity of her next remark. “I can be anything you want. I’m just a unique thing, a unique creature.” Oh, she’s one of a kind, all right.
The morning gets off to such a ghastly start, Seacrest is forced to segue into the more tolerable auditions by mentioning the unprecedented amount of seagull poop raining on the contestants outside, as though it’s some sign of good luck. Yeesh.
One of the better singers to emerge from the ruins is Stefano Langone, a 21-year-old from the Pacific Northwest who recently survived an “accident” that is cryptically alluded to via shots of the gnarly, Frankenstein-monster scars on his hips and forearms. According to Stefano and his parents, he should be dead, of course, but according to the judges, he survived for one reason and one reason only: to become a contestant on American Idol. Of course. Good thing his version of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” really is Golden Ticket-worthy, even if I don’t think he’s quite as cute as J. Lo does. Movie-star good looks? Sounds like someone’s been married to Marc Anthony for too long.
Long Beach, California native Clint Jun Gamboa hosts karaoke contests at a dive bar and says his regular patrons are sick of him slumming it and encouraged him to try out for Idol. Despite his overly self-aware, hipster glasses and unfortunate song choice (Travie McCoy’s “Billionaire.” Blech.), Clint has a great voice and will be heading to Hollywood to compete on American Idol, the mother of all karaoke contests. How apropos.
After some fearsomely foolish fellow vocally terrorizes the judges while wearing a tail and earmuffs, Drew Beaumier literally rolls into his audition with a Transformers costume he built from an old Power Wheels. The getup is actually pretty impressive in both its aesthetic and functionality, and Drew’s choice to sing “Born to Be Wild” proves genuinely giggle-worthy. Unfortunately, he laughs at his own shtick and forgets the lyrics, irredeemably tarnishing whatever slim chance at a Golden Ticket he had. The good-natured fun of his audition is still intact, however, even after Drew moans, “I don’t wanna be a car for the rest of my life.” I got the biggest kick out of the producers describing his occupation as “Bartender/Autobot” at the bottom of the screen. Heh!
Startlingly pretty Julie Zorilla was born in Colombia, but her parents fled to the United States in the midst of guerilla warfare in the late 90s. Both her mother and father describing the fear and horror of living in such a dangerous and volatile environment feels far more sincere and emotional than the majority of hardship stories Idol showcases. However, Julie’s performance is the exact opposite, making her appear completely affected and over-rehearsed in spite of her competent voice. Her precisely planted hand gestures and choreographed hair flip during her rendition of “Summertime” reeks of pageantry and melodrama, although her charisma and star quality are both undeniable. Tyler wisely keeps it simple and remarks that Julie is “slammin’,” but J. Lo is so excited to see someone who is clearly a “performer” and not just another decent voice, that she confesses to Tyler and Randy that she could see Julie winning. WINNING. Note to future Idol contestants: a glittery pair of platform heels does wonders for J. Lo’s sense of judgment.
After rocker Dave Combs invented a new melody for The Beatles’ “Oh, Darlin’” that rendered the classic tune unrecognizable, Tyler was so offended he engaged in a litany of sarcastic rejection quips to the ensuing series of contestants. By the time chirpy Emily Anne Reed strolled in with her guitar, Tyler was pleading under his breath for her to be good. I can relate. My mood wasn’t improved by the use of what looked like a combination of b-roll from a small-town news affiliate and stock footage of every bombing of the last ten years to illustrate the tragedy of Emily’s house burning down the previous week. Seriously, producers, while I feel sorry that Emily lost her home, I highly doubt your videographers were there to capture it, or that the fire caused the house to EXPLODE INTO TOWERING PLUMES OF SMOKE . By the time Emily finally started singing, her version of “You’re Getting To Be A Habit With Me” caught me so off guard in its quirky awesomeness, I got even angrier that her refreshingly eccentric persona was introduced with such patronizing tactics. While Tyler initially tells Emily she isn’t “ready” yet, J. Lo ultimately casts the deciding vote to send her to Hollywood, in spite of expressing doubt about her retro-folk vibe. However, Emily gets the last laugh when Tyler asks her to sing something while playing guitar; this is when she’s really able to shine in her element. “Sold!” shouts Tyler. Indeed.
One final audition awaits us in San Francisco, and after being repeatedly told throughout the episode that this contestant has a “voice you won’t believe,” I go ahead and assume said contestant also has a life story intended to make me feel guilty for being such a sarcastic, ungrateful brat. Apparently for this season of Idol, one can’t simply be talented; one must also be somehow handicapped, orphaned, poverty-stricken, afflicted with a series of rare diseases, or altogether unlucky in general. By the time we finally meet 21-year-old James Durbin, it seems as though we’re being bombarded with every possible roadblock one can face. James not only lost his musician father to a drug overdose, but he himself is diagnosed with both Asperger’s Syndrome and Tourette’s. He’s just been laid off, has a toddler son to take care of and has an unfortunate tendency to wear every Hot Topic-friendly accessory known to man. Seriously, dude is sporting a scarf, vest, wallet chain, fauxhawk and fingerless gloves…AT THE SAME TIME. Fortunately, James also has the most wildly impressive vocal range since Adam Lambert and will likely meet a stylist or two along his Idol journey who will tell him to wear either fingerless gloves OR a wallet chain, and not both. Tyler notes James’ “melodic sensibility,” while Randy simply likes him “as a person,” and J. Lo is touched by his ability to sing from his “heart” and “soul.” I’m anxious to see James’ future performances on the show and to witness how he handles being without his girlfriend’s inspirational Post-It notes. Move over, Julie Zorilla – a new early favorite has already ousted you.
For all the talk of a “new and improved” American Idol this year, the same tired spiel seems to be retread over and over with seemingly little effort to revamp the formula. By the time the Golden Ticket gang heads to Hollywood on Thursday, Seacrest’s tired “THIS! Is AMERICAN IDOL!” feels as stale as Randy’s promise that – guess what! – this season’s talent is “better than ever!” What is new this year is the massive stampede of Hollywood-bound Idols after the judges sent twice as many to Hell Week than usual. While I’m sure the producers would like us to believe the overcrowding is due to an unmanageable amount of fantastic singers, I’m more inclined to assume it’s due to an unmanageable inability for the judges to say no. As a result, the first two days of Hollywood Week is dedicated to sending half the hopefuls home in the typical sudden death rounds of fury.
Two early favorites sent through are bullied carrot top Brett Lowenstern, whom I adore, and rerun Rachel Zevita, who has now officially made it farther than her maiden Idol voyage last year. Rachel sounded light years better than I remembered, and I wonder if I’d underestimated her possible longevity in the competition.
In a fantastically uncharacteristic demonstration of good judgment, the galactically annoying Victoria Huggins is eliminated in the first round, and she’s sent home with all ELEVEN pieces of her luggage. While other Idols certainly have worse voices than her, simply none have more intolerable personalities. Huggins seems to revel in her robotically sunny, pageant-trained persona and actually informs us that she doesn’t feel like a normal 17-year-old – she feels “special.” Uh huh. After being given the axe, Huggins says she knows the people back home consider her “North Carolina’s Idol,” as though the thought that at least one person in the ENTIRE STATE may not have heard of her never crossed her mind. Good riddance.
Both Paris Tassin and James Durbin are young parents with hopes of providing someone other than themselves with the millions of dollars pop stardom will bring. You may remember Paris from the New Orleans auditions as the mother with a special needs daughter, and Durbin as Glambert the Sequel from a few paragraphs above. 15-year-old wunderkind Lauren Alaina is lumped into their group, and her performance of “Unchained Melody” proves the sensation over her Nashville appearance wasn’t a fluke. Paris makes the unfortunate decision to sing Celine Dion’s theme song from Titanic but is so inherently likable, she’d probably have to fart for the judges to eliminate her. James absolutel kills “Oh, Darlin’,” but I can already sense early Lambert-esque backlash from the same stupid people who will surely think he’s just screaming. All three are predictably sent through, to the chagrin of former Miss Teen USA Stormi Henley, whose undeserved run on Idol is rightfully cut short.
In case you forgot, Chris Medina’s fiancée was in an accident that left her wheelchair-bound and brain damaged. A memory-jogging montage is aired over the strategically chosen Coldplay song “Fix You,” and Seacrest reminds both Chris and us that he’s clearly “here for a reason.” Yeah, ratings. Barf.
After a bunch of nobodies blow their auditions due to debilitating nerves, Hollie Cavanaugh shows up to completely redeem herself after her own case of stage fright nearly cost her the Golden Ticket. Her appearance on Thursday is so significantly better than her initial tryout, even the judges seem taken aback. “Love her!” Randy whispers to J. Lo. Me too!
Fellow youngsters Jaycee Badeaux and Robbie Rosen also sail through the first round, as do country crooner Scotty McCreery, soul brother Jerome Bell and perky belter Jackie Wilson, in spite of the latter three singing the same songs they did at their first audition.
Just when I happily think I may have agreed with every decision the judges have made thus far in Hollywood, that godforsaken monstrosity known as Tiffany Rios shows up to ruin a perfectly good Hell Week. Although she wisely left the homemade pasties at home, Tiffany still looks like an extra from Jersey Shore and doesn’t make any friends when she announces, “I’m just sick of everybody trying to do what I know I can.” Cue the sea of Bitch, please! looks throughout the audience. After Tiffany’s overblown and nearly unlistenable howlfest of an audition, poor Travis Orlando has the demeanor of a mouse in comparison and makes absolutely no impression with his performance whatsoever. Despite my sinking feeling otherwise, I assume neither of them will advance to the next round. To my silent horror, however, Tiffany is soon shown shrieking with undeserved glee while Travis mopes his way down the rejection aisle. This is just low, Idol, even for you.
Ex-couple Chelsee Oaks and Rob Bolin are forced to become friends with obnoxious lovebirds Nick Fink and Jacqueline Dunford when they’re “coincidentally” assigned to room together. Chelsee and Rob both knock their auditions out of the park – Rob in particular – but Nick and Jacqueline hit a snag in their plans for dual stardom when Nick is sent packing and Jacqueline advances to the next round. Nick immediately morphs into Insta-Douche upon news of his rejection, all but pretending to be happy for Jacqueline (who frankly didn’t deserve a pass either, in my opinion) before he commits the cardinal sin of pleading with the judges to let him sing more. Then, he ACTUALLY SINGS MORE even after they tell him to take a hike, and gets indignant when Seacrest doesn’t break down in tears over the shocking injustice.
All in all, 168 Idol hopefuls remain to duke it out during Group Week, where Tiffany Rios will hopefully be burned at the stake and Brett Lowenstern can finally make a friend or two. Other early favorites who have survived the first round are Emily Anne Reed, White House intern Molly DeWolf Swenson, the brothers Gutierrez from the LA auditions, Seth Rogen-lookalike Casey Abrams, karaoke host Clint Jun Gamboa, Summerfest groundskeeper Naima Adedapo and Stefano Langone. Despite the current spotlight on Julie Zorilla and James Durbin, it’s still early enough for Idol to save their real diamonds in the rough for next week and perhaps even the semi-finals. Until then, I’ll be trying to predict what horrific living conditions haven’t been represented on Idol yet this season – the sob stories surely aren’t over, folks.